Without you

Right now I’m sitting here alone wondering where you are. Wondering what you’re doing. Wondering what.. who you’re thinking of. I can’t help but to wonder if you’re thinking of me like I’m thinking of you.

It’s been so long, so many lonely years. I’ve spent those years searching for you, and it wasn’t until now that I found you. That you found me. I’ve missed you. All these years we’ve been apart I’ve missed you so much. Of course we’re still miles away, only able to communicate via the virtual world and by cell phones that never have an adequate signal. Of course right now you’re the only person I can think about. Of course I keep hoping that something will happen between you and me. LOL But that’s just wishful thinking. I know you’re happy.
Or at least I think you’re happy. I hope you’re happy.
I want you to be happy :)

Right now my mind is all foggy, because I can’t stop thinking about you. Can’t stop thinking about how much I want you, how much I need you, how much I want to be with you. Sure, we can talk, but only with typed words that don’t… can’t express what I feel for you. How much I feel it.
Sure, we can call each other and talk, and sure spoken word, even from a distance, has the ability to show how I feel for you, how much I feel it, a little better than typed words. But it just isn’t enough. Right now I want to be able to look you in the eye and hold you in my arms when I tell how I feel about you, how strong my feelings for you are.
But the miles between us prevent my dreams from coming true. That’s the other thing, the way you been intruding on my dreams, filling my mind with desire, making me want you, making me need you even more. Everything I do makes me think of you. Right now I can only think of you.
Right now,
without you here I can’t think.

You know how they say that you should trust people till they give you a reason not to...
Well! I don't trust anyone AGAIN until they give me a reason to trust them.
I guess you could say something bad happened to me to where I don't, but its more than that.
It has become like a phobia & traumatic to trusting people again :( 

i confess that they really hurt me. Im usually too strong to admit im not okay or that someone actually brought me down but im completely broken. on top of everything going on with me i made myself completely dependent on some missunderstanding about me and my friends.. guess thats what i get for being a *****. now, i dont even know what to do with myself and I'm afraid to trust anyone again. makes no difference writting it here, they not gonna see it but i felt i should say it.. even if no one reads it. It feels like the one person i thought was truly real and there for me, was fake. as it was i had trust issues and the first person i let break through the wall i put up, knocks me down. can you even trust anyone anymore? i mean is there REALLY the ONE person you can trust?

how do you know if there not lying about everything? they maybe could not lie about the big things but lie about all the little things. does that count too? how many little things can you lie about before they become a bigger problem? if i lie about all the small details in my life, will anyone know who i truly am? i dont think so.. So even if you can prove that the one person you trust doesnt lie about the big things, how do you know there not lying when they say there not feeling well, or that they had a good day, or that they ran 2 miles in the morning instead of 4? dont those lies count too?

now i realized if there's no one is trustworthy, ever!

you can never be sure if someone is 100% honest. 

everyone lies.  

don't doubt about it, so don't trust anyone easily